Scientists have determined that there WILL be an apocalypse, after all.  It will occur at the moment when the force of dark energy – that phenomenon that is causing all the objects in the universe to move away from each other (the expanding universe) – becomes so great that it overcomes the four fundamental forces holding everything together: gravity, electromagnetism, the strong nuclear force and the weak nuclear force.  When this happens, all objects in the universe, right down to the must fundamental particles, will be ripped apart in a monumental cataclysm.

Fortunately, this is expected to occur long after we have exhausted our Social Security and Medicare benefits and relocated to the other side of the grass – 16 to 22 billion years from now.  From their dungeons down in hell, where – as Dante so eloquently reported – they’re being force fed the boiling excrement of liberals and oppressed minorities for eternity, conservatives will claim it was all Obama’s fault.

And here is what most of the rest of us will be doing:

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